Salvia Trip

The Intensity of Emotion

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Posted by valkyrie on 05/01/2011
Avg Rating: Unrated

Level:5
Type/Strength:20X
Method of Ingestion:Water Pipe

Salvia opens my Door of Truth.

I've only smoked salvia three times now, but this past trip is still very vivid in my memory.

It began so suddenly. Initially, I felt like the ebb of a tide, rushing out to sea. And then - well, I'm not really sure. After being swept away, there have always been a few moments where I feel as though I've been gone for a lifetime, though I can't say where I've been or what I've been doing. It was nothingness. It was consciousness. Sitting here now, I wonder if that is what death is like. Or perhaps, that is what I believe that death will be like and salvia allowed me to experience something that I have only thought about and imagined. I don't know.

A very long, very thin, slice of light (or of reality) manifested in the darkness. Whether fortunately or unfortunately, I have never smoked alone and so I began to hear the voices of others. I felt caught between worlds - neither of which I truly felt I belonged to. Regardless, I knew that my body was in reality and it was calling me back. In my mind, I ran the gamut of human emotion. Or rather, negative emotion. I have described it as looking at my demons square in the face. Fear, embarrassment, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and panic only name a few. No visual manifestations of emotions, just pure, raw feeling.

All the while, I am fighting to pry open that slit in the darkness. I am using all of my strength. It seems to me that the toll to re-enter this world was all of those emotions I experienced. If all of life is a paradox (which is something I believe), then suffering is inevitable. Only after I accepted those feelings as a part of myself did I find my eyes open, staring at the blanket on top of me.

I rejoiced. Again, no crazy visuals or anything - just a kind of tunnel vision. I was thankful for that blanket. I was happy that it existed and that I existed and that I could feel or touch anything.

But I also felt a sense of embarrassment. I wonder if Adam and Eve (not in religious terms, but in mythological terms, you know?) felt that same embarrassment after eating the fruit. I can't explain this one, though, really. All I know is that I felt overwhelmingly embarrassed like I did something wrong.

And then I started to freak out. (Not every time, just the most recent time I smoked.) I pulled at my hair, I (possibly) was screaming to my boyfriend.

"This is all my fault! This is all my fault!"

And it gets even darker. (I have/had some self-esteem/insecurity issues so if that explains anything to you...)

"No one wants me here!"

I felt unsafe and afraid and worried that I was ruining everyone's night. Although, I soon realized that by believing that I was ruining someone's trip, I did ruin someone's trip. Namely - my boyfriend's. I am very grateful to share this life with him because he has a beautiful soul that has always accepted and helped me through my darkness.

When I had that realization that my emotions determine or define my reality I realized that I could change it and everything kind of came back to normal for me. Sort of. I ended up making a huge apology to the others, which I don't think they really understood. Maybe some.

All in all, I'm pretty sure I need to try this alone. I wonder if the demons will still be there to torment me or if I'll be able to nod at them and then just...enjoy the ride.

I'm glad this website exists. I'm looking forward to posting in the future.



BTW: By Door of Truth, I mean like in FMA Brotherhood.

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